Today marked the unveiling ceremony for my beloved Nana at the cemetery. Surrounded by my extended family, I couldn't help but feel a wave of conflicting emotions crashing over me. 

As we honored my grandmother's 93 years of life, I couldn't shake the painful reminder of how unfair life can be.

My heart ached with the unfairness of it all as I thought about my grandmother's life compared with the heartbreaking loss of my son, Benji, who died after only five precious days. The weight of grief pressed down on me, threatening to shatter me to my core.

I tried to contain my tears until we were safely in the car, but the floodgates burst open uncontrollably. The grief, raw and uncontrollable, poured out of me. Evie sensed my sadness and asked why. Through choked sobs, I confessed my grief about Benji. She said "it's not fair I want a baby brother like everyone else" and gently offered me her hand. 

Once we got home, the solitude of the car became a sanctuary for my grief. For an hour that felt like a lifetime, I unleashed my pent-up emotions, railing against the unfairness of fate, cursing a god or higher power whose logic escaped me. I listened to my songs that remind me of Benji and wept until my head was banging in pain! Why me why me???? The ache in my heart refused to be silenced, a reminder of the unimaginable loss I will always carry.

In moments like these, when grief is overwhelming I am reminded that healing is not linear. It comes in waves, crashing against the shores of my soul with unpredictable intensity. But in the midst of this pain I cling to the flicker of hope that someday, the sadness and pain will soften, and the ache will change to acceptance and integration.

Surprisingly in the depths of my despair, I find comfort in the unwavering love of those who walk this journey with me. Their silent support, their willingness to share the burden of grief, is a light in the darkness. And though I wish with every fiber of my being that this were not my story, I draw strength from the resilience that lies within, knowing that even in the darkest night, the morning will come and the sun will shine again. ☀️